Unique twist ... Matt Cleary previews round one of the NRL. Source: Gregg Porteous / News Limited
And so, blessedly, after a summer of cricket longer than Doctor Zhivago read aloud by economics bloke Bernie Fraser, here we are - round one of the National Rugby League.
Monday
Monday Night Football LIVE 6.30pm (EDT)
Monday Night with Matty Johns LIVE 9pm (EDT)
Tuesday
The Back Page LIVE 7.30pm (EDT)
Wednesday
NRL 360 LIVE 7.30pm (EDT)
Thursday
Sterlo 6.30pm (EDT)
Friday
Late Night League (Delayed Friday night football) 10pm (EDT)
Saturday
Super Saturday from 1pm (EDT)
Up to 3 LIVE NRL matches
LIVE VB NSW Cup and Holden Cup
Sunday
NRL Sunday from 11.30am (EDT)
Up to 3 LIVE NRL matches
LIVE Holden Cup
Lot to like, people: a dozen teams that can win it, some flat-out superstar players, and in the ever-entertaining way of rugby league, a backstory of grog, gambling, drugs, gossip, redemption and prodigal sons.
But enough malarkey.
Let's have the footy.
Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohs, Allianz Stadium, 8.05pm Thursday (EDT)
Cracking first hit-out, Schedulers: the mighty Rabbitohs of Redfern against their love-hated neighbours out of Bondi Junction. Two Establishment clubs, two sets of fans essentially the same people in different colours yet who genuinely dislike each other. Top stuff.
The Roosters have recruited fine players. You'll have read about them. They also have incumbent fine players in Jake Friend, Anthony Minichiello and hard-hitting Kiwi Jared Warea-Hargreaves. Mitchell Pearce says, "It's the most excited I've been before a first-grade game in six years".
Souths finished a game out of the grand final in 2012, they're chock-full of top players, and they're afraid of their coach. A heady combination.
New boy Ben Te'o has game, Dave Taylor does not. Greg Inglis is Andrew Johns's tip for the Dally M. Sam Burgess and Mick Crocker hit like the recession. And Adam Reynolds is a nippy, sneaky sniper in the finest Coleman Tradition.
Both games last year were ridiculous last-gasp bell-ringers. But Souths look stronger here.
Tip: Rabbitohs by 10.
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles, Suncorp Stadium, Friday 9:05pm (EDT)
It's been twenty-five years since the Broncos faced Manly in their first ever game and you still can't tip this fixture with confidence.
Manly have a tidy roster and were the best team of 2012 before the finals.
Their star halves Kieran Foran and Daly Cherry-Evans have enjoyed an off-season hanging off Andrew Johns.
Brett Stewart is fit. The Wolfman returns. Jamie Lyon seems to get younger.
But T-Rex is no more, Glenn Stewart's busted, and the next time Steve Matai goes high he'll be rubbed out 74 weeks.
The Broncos wilted last year but their youngsters will be better for the run.
They've added a staunch forward in David Stagg and a wily little man in Scott Prince. He and Peter Wallace form a tasty halves combination.
Justin Hodges is an all-running, smothering, funny-movin', bow-legged try-wrangler and probably the best centre in the game.
Alex Glenn and Matt Gillett will start in the second-row, Stagg and Ben Hannant come off the bench.
Gotta like the Broncs.
Tip: Broncos by 8.
Parramatta Eels vs Warriors, Parramatta Stadium, Saturday 5:30pm (EDT), FS1HD
Last year's 14th and last-placed teams had a long look at themselves in the off-season and thought – "Makeover!"
And there seems to have been improvement in both squadrons. Particularly Parra who've installed Ricky Stuart as head coach, probably the most competitive person in the history of organised sport, politics and warfare.
Ever noticed when people are describing how competitive someone is they always bring up table tennis? "Oh man, even at table tennis, he wants to bury you."
Well, if you were playing ping-pong against Ricky Stuart and you beat him, he would kill you. Not metaphorically.
Not beat you up. Kill you. And then he'd toss your body in Parramatta River.
Competitive? If the Eels don't "win" some games – or at least lose them without an excuse about refs who done 'em wrong – Ricky might actually explode. Spontaneous human combustion. It happens.
The Eels? Have a live one in Chris Sandow, follow-me figures in Rene Maitua and Timmy Mannah, and a wondrous dream believer in Jarryd Hayne.
But I prefer the Warriors here. There's beastial Manu Vatuvei, slick movers Shaun Johnson and Kevin Locke, and cult hero colt Konrad Hurrell. Great to watch, Konrad, a nuggetty bullock with fast-twitchin' feet.
Throw in Maroons prop Jacob Lillyman, mega-tacklers Simon Mannering and Todd Lowrie (a fine pickup from Storm), and you can see the Warriors running roughshod over Parra here.
Tip: Warriors by 16.
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs North QLD Cowboys, Bluetongue Stadium, Saturday 7:30pm (EDT), FS1HD
Good game, even without fallen wonder-boy Ben Barba. (Get well, Champion.)
The Doggies made the grand final last year, you may remember it. Out-muscled and out-played on the day but, y'know, they were ten points and Billy's flying fist from ever-lastin' glory. Apart from Barba it's roughly the same mob of hard-arses.
The Cows, meanwhile, were on the rough end of the pineapple in a knock-out versus Manly, non-beneficiaries of the Video Referee's interpretation of "doubt". (Thankfully a concept deader than fried chicken.)
The Cowboys will rely heavily on Johnathan Thurston. And why not? He's a champion. But it's their giant marauding forwards – Matt Scott, James Tamou and the Sims boys, Ashton and Tariq – who will thunder the ball downfield, breaking bodies and wills, and giftin Thurston ball on the hop.
Throw in pace-man Brent Tate and the otherworldly nous of Matthew Bowen and you've got Andrew Johns's premiership tip.
And on neutral Gosford soil without the game's most potent try-machine, the Dogs may struggle for points. Not a worry shared by the Cows.
Tip: Cowboys by 16.
Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders, Centrebet Stadium, Sunday 2pm (EDT), FS1HD
The home side have firmed into most pundits' wooden spoon misere, while the Raiders are reckoned to be on the up-and-up.
And in six months when the Panthers win the grand final and Canberra are tossed out the competition for [insert Massive Scandal here] we'll know for sure: Nostradamus made it all up.
Canberra won this fixture last season on their famous-late-if-ever-doomed unbeaten run. They won't have forgotten it. They're a fair side, the Raiders, looking at them. Good halves, massive forwards, athletic leapers in the backs. You can get $5 for them Top-4. And that is Overs.
But these Panthers, galvanised by said predictions of spoon-and-doom won't make it easy.
They've recruited several hard heads – Nigel Plum, Mose Masoe, Sika Manu – to beef-up an already beefy pack led by Clint Newton, Nathan Smith and 50-tackles-a-game man, captain Kevin Kingston.
But Canberra has the better team.
Tip: Raiders by 12.
Melbourne Storm vs St George Illawarra Dragons, AAMI Park, Sunday 3pm (EDT),
The popular and simple narrative for this fixture would be Reigning Premiers to beat up on Proud Club Rebuilding.
And we won't budge from that.
Melbourne has three superb players, and fourteen who are better for playing with them. And their coach flogs them like horse thieves. Storm is like a cult - a dangerous cult of fitness fanatics.
The Dragons? Slick back-division, no doubt, particularly Brett Morris and Jason Nightingale, two of the best wingers around. Matt Cooper still has plenty good footy in him and Jamie Soward is always out to niggle #haters.
Nathan Fien gets first dibs at the jumper St.George Illawarra wishes Cooper Cronk was wearing while Ben Creagh leads a pack well-served by prop Michael Weyman and fleet-footed hooker Mitch Rein.
Like Rein. Reckon he'll play Origin.
But they look skinny here, the Drags.
Tip: Storm by 18.
Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans, Sharks Stadium, Sunday 6:30pm (EDT), FS1HD
Cronulla have recruited more Tigers than Moscow Circus and have a forward pack arguably the best in the comp.
Paul Gallen alongside Luke Lewis, Wade Graham and Chris Heighington? As Samuel L. Jackson says in Pulp Fiction: "That is a tasty burger."
The Titans have lost inaugural club captain Scott Prince but still have a strong lineup. Luke Bailey and Luke Douglas will thunder into the Sharks' pack while super-fine lock Greg Bird will relish bashing old brother Gal.
Throw in Jamal Idris, Ash Harrison, Dave Taylor and Nate Myles, and the Titans pack have a bag of over-sized humans themselves.
But if we postulate that big units cancel each other out – and that none will be hauled from their dressing shed by secret agents of ASADA - the Sharks would seem to have an advantage in the halves, where lurks the flashy feet of Dally M medal winner Todd Carney.
Tip: Sharks by 10.
Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers, Hunter Stadium, Monday 7pm (EDT), FS1HD
Close one. But you've got to like the home side here.
Newcastle has had a year under Wayne Bennett, captain Kurt Gidley is fit, and everyone's going to be paid. Good times.
Look at their forwards: Kade Snowden, Willie Mason, Beau Scott, Chris Houston and Jeremy Smith. Absolute meat-axes.
Check out the spine: Darius Boyd, Jarrod Mullen, Gidley and talented ex-Canberra rake Travis Waddell.
Sure, the Tigers will turn up with a fresh team of hard-heads, a re-born Braith and the funkiest stepping five-eighth in the history of organised sports, warfare, etcetera.
But Monday night in the Hunter the Tigers will know: This is Newcastle.
Tip: Knights by 12.
