In a not unfamiliar scene, John McEnroe argues with a umpire at Wimbledon in 1980. Source: News Limited
THERE have been some pretty intense tennis players over the years but none more so than an Italian hothead who tried to cut off an opponent's testicles and gave new meaning to the expression "new balls please.''
Forget Roger Federer's slice backhand. Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio had a slice with a sword that could ruin any man.
His artistry reflected John McEnroe's passion, Ilie Nastase's arrogance and Jimmy Connor's volatility.
Caravaggio was an absolute killer on the court, literally, and his story makes me wonder where all the modern tennis fireballs have gone. You know, the snarling, wild-eyed, flame-mouthed beasts who once made tennis a contact sport. The ones who had linesmen reaching for body armour and shark repellent.
Italian Baroque master Caravaggio's painting "Bacchanalia" (1595) depicting Bacchus. Source: Supplied
After Andrea Petkovic lost to Serena Williams at Tennyson on Tuesday she meekly slapped her racquet into her kit bag a few times in frustration, and I had a sudden wave of nostalgia about the headcases and self-immolators who once ruled the game.
Marcos Baghdatis did a bit of racquet smashing at the Australian Open in 2012 - even cracking new ones still in their plastic wrappers - and back at the 2009 US Open Serena threatened to shove a ball down a lineswoman's throat. But they were little league tantrums.
Thirty years ago, when three-time Wimbledon champ John McEnroe walked on court, this pasty pastiche of surliness was a guaranteed ratings winner.
'You can't be serious, man, you cannot be serious,' and 'the ball was in, you jerk' became worldwide catchphrases and endless parody material for the likes of Paul Hogan.
"Take it away." One of the four racquets Marcos Baghdatis smashed at the 2012 Australian Open. Source: Supplied
Pat Cash, another Wimbledon winner, once said there was a fine line between genius and insanity and, like McEnroe's art, Caravaggio's talent reflected an explosive mix of self-loathing and volcanic anger.
The Italian painter was the most volatile tennis champion the game has seen, and 500 years ago it was a brave and well-armed man who dared challenge a line call against him. His passion peaked on the tennis court but you can still see that blazing angst in the paintings he left behind.
Critics say his depiction of the beheading of John the Baptist shows sorrow and remorse, though I suspect his inner torment may have been over an inability to perfect the kick serve.
"After a fortnight's work,'' a writer said of him in 1604, "he will swagger about for a month or two with a sword at his side ... from one ball-court to the next, ever ready to engage in a fight or an argument.''
"Narcissus", something a lot of tennis players could relate to, by Caravaggio (1594-96). Source: Supplied
In a restaurant once, Caravaggio threw a plate of artichokes at a waiter, showing the way for Damir Dokic and his flying salmon at Wimbledon.
His blossoming tennis career ended in 1606 when Caravaggio murdered a Roman pimp, after a tennis duel.
There had been bad blood between them over their love for a prostitute and Caravaggio dropped his racquet, pinned his victim to the ground and delivered the ultimate serve, severing the femoral artery while aiming a low blow to his rival's manhood.
Caravaggio spent the rest of his short, tortured life on the run but kept painting masterpieces that reflected the same desperation Goran Ivanisevic showed the day he finally won Wimbledon against Pat Rafter. Goran, by the way, bowed out of the Brighton Open in 2000 after smashing all his racquets and telling the umpire: "I have nothing left to play with.''
The tennis tantrum, an art form in its own right, is vanishing like cubism - but at its peak it was as mesmerising as the turbulence of Van Gogh.
Jimmy Connors admits he felt his role was to whip crowds up into a frenzy to help increase gates. Source: News Limited
In his book The Outside r,Jimmy Connors said television turned tennis into "a Wild West show."
"My job was to make the crowd go crazy," he wrote. "Anything else they got was a bonus … back then we all walked a fine line. Did we overstep it sometimes? Sure, but that's what drew in the crowds."
Connors' frequent sparring partner, 'Nasty' Nastase haunted umpires like another Romanian, Dracula; and inspired by McEnroe, American Fritz Buehning used language on umpires that was more colourful than Monet's garden.
In 1995 Jeff Tarango stormed off at Wimbledon, questioning the integrity of the umpire, who was then slapped in the face twice by Tarango's wife.
But no one could throw a hissy fit like McEnroe, who combined exquisite touch with the kind of mania more suited to the berserk screeching of Basil Fawlty.
"You talkin' to me?" Ilie 'Nasty' Nastase playing at Brisbane's Milton Park complex in 1983. Source: Supplied
Even in the 1981 first-round Wimbledon match against Tom Gullikson, where McEnroe told officials "you guys are the absolute pits of the world'', his rants began with angst over his own lack of perfection.
On his way to winning in straight sets, the Superbrat was nevertheless torn and tormented inside and screamed to the crowd: "I'm so disgusting you shouldn't watch.''
But watching McEnroe was like looking at the painting of Jerry Seinfeld's mate, Kramer.
Loathsome and offensive, yet we just couldn't look away.
