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A captain is responsible for team morale. Which, on this Ashes tour, is like taking responsibility for world hunger, global warming and the congealed baked beans at the breakfast buffet.
Still, dutifully, Michael Clarke scoured the bottom of the wheelie bin and came up with a half-convincing reason why his badly beaten team would do more than just go through the motions during the fifth Test.
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Australia still has a lot of cricket to play against England, Clarke ventured. "So we want to turn things around. And it's a good place to start, The Oval."
As substance for Clarke's motivational speech at Monday night's team meeting goes, this was marginally more stirring than the other possibilities: Avoiding being the first Australian team to lose 4-0 in England, playing for your career or raining on England's victory parade.
Still, even as Clarke gathered the senior pros around him during a practice session and asked them to lead by example, it was hard to escape the feeling this team is serving the final days of a long sentence.
Whatever glory that can be achieved at The Oval will only highlight the dismal showings that preceded it.
Inevitably, when a team is limping to the end of such a dismal campaign, you have to laugh or you will cry.
The latest knee-slapper was the news batsman Usman Khawaja's Cricket Australia contract had been upgraded because he had played three Tests since June 1. Oddly, the fact Khawaja had scored 114 runs at 19 in those three Tests, or that his career Test average sits at 25.13, did not militate against a pay rise.
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Singling out Khawaja among Australia's underperforming batsmen is like nominating the worst member of One Direction. But this contractual quirk is symbolic of a malady that - even in this bold post-Argus Report era - has gripped Australian cricket.
The sort of thing, you suspect, sacked coach Mickey Arthur eluded to when he told The Daily Telegraph he had tried to be "cruel to be kind" to an over-indulged underachieving team.
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Equally absurd, the gagging of Cricket Australia's high performance manager Pat Howard when he was asked about his pursuit of a potential batting solution - Australian-born opener Sam Robson, who is starring for Middlesex.
As the Australians trained, Howard talked about young fast bowler Pat Cummins' latest injury problem, which cast yet another shadow on an already pitch-black tour.
"We expect to get injuries but we need to manage them," said Howard. Which seems a sensible plan.
Howard was then asked for an update about the hunt for Robson, who is the subject of a tug-of-war between Australia and England.
But, before Howard could speak, a junior communications manager brusquely declared this innocuous subject off limits. This despite Cricket Australia having recently changed its foreign player rules to allow Robson to play Sheffield Shield this summer - apparently, Howard's idea.
Untying himself and removing his media gag, Howard said he would not talk about Robson until he was briefed by the board. Which, given Howard is the man working behind the scenes to try secure Robson, presumably means he needs to be briefed by the board about his own briefing.
If this kind of mind-numbing thought process is also taking place in the sheds, no wonder Australian batsmen are walking to the crease uncertain if they are supposed to play a matchwinning innings or doing an aerobics class.
Who knows. Perhaps Clarke's words can inspire a momentum changing victory. But the smart money is on the Australians batting in pink leotards.
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